Silent Farting, Stuff/Stuff/Blow and other forms of
covert controlling
Published on May 11, 2016
Most controlling
behavior is
covert -- hidden
or disguised.
Why?
The reason is
obvious.
Nobody likes a
controller. So
nobody wants to
be seen as
"controlling."
At the same
time, most of us
can't stop
ourselves from
controlling.
So as a result
most controlling
behavior is
buried beneath a
careful attempt
to control other
people's
reactions to the
controller's
attempts to
control stuff.
Got that?
Maybe some
examples will
help.
1. Silent
Farting
"I just know
when something's
up with him,"
Ben's wife tells
me. "It's hard
to say how. I
just know.
Something about
the way he walks
into a room, or
turns the pages
of his
newspaper, or
stirs his
coffee. He
doesn't say
anything,
doesn't even
look at me. But
I know a storm's
coming. It's
like I can smell
it."
This is Silent
Farting.
It's a way for
people
uncomfortable
with expressing
anger directly
express it
indirectly --
under the radar,
so to speak.
They just sort
of exude it,
like a bad
smell. The
targets of their
anger don't
always
understand
what's
happening, but
like Ben's wife,
they can usually
tell they're
been farted at.
Silent Farters
tend to be
people who in a
previous life
were punished
for expressing
anger out loud.
Or grew up with
abusive or
chronically
angry parents,
which scared
them into
deciding that
angry was not
something they
ever want to be.
How is Silent
Farting a
controlling
behavior? In
three senses.
The Farter
overcontrols an
unwanted
feeling, instead
of expressing it
in an open and
healthy way.
The Farter, by
exuding anger
instead of
expressing it,
also tries to
control the
reactions of
others to that
feeling.
Finally, Silent
Farting can be a
form of
coercion, an
attempt to
intimidate by
hinting at the
storm that's
brewing inside.
Ben's farting
has made his
wife
hypersensitive
to his moods,
and I suspect
Ben likes it
that way.
2.
Stuff/Stuff/Blow
Halfway through
our session Jan
suddenly blurts,
"You know, I'm
about ready to
walk out of
here."
She is crying.
I'm surprised.
She seemed fine
a moment ago.
"Why?" I ask.
"You make me
feel like shit.
You sit there
and imply that
my relationships
are inadequate
and then you
pressure me to
do something I
don't want to
do. I've had
enough."
Another
surprise. Two
weeks ago I
raised the
subject of group
therapy, and
since then
referred
occasionally to
ways in which a
supportive group
might be of
help.
I know the idea
of group makes
her uneasy, so I
don't really
expect her to
join. But I did
think she was
curious. Until
now she's
responded to
what I say with
interested nods.
"How long have
you been feeling
this way?" I ask
"Since you first
mentioned
group," she
replies.
"Why didn't you
say so sooner?"
"I didn't want
to be rude. But
now I'm fed up."
This is
Stuff/Stuff/Blow.
The
Stuff/Stuff/Blower
habitually
conceals her
anger from
others, letting
the pressure
build until she
can't hide it
anymore. Then,
baboom.
The explosion
usually
embarrasses her,
so afterwards
she resumes
stuffing and
stuffing until
the next
inevitable blow.
Like Farters,
most Blowers
concluded early
in life that
expressing anger
openly was
somehow unsafe
or unattractive.
Now they bury
theirs as long
as they possibly
can.
Unfortunately,
anger is
unavoidable for
human beings. So
for the Blower
periodic
explosions
become
unavoidable too.
It is not
unusual for
these explosions
to be preceded
by silent
farting. But not
all Farters are
Blowers, and not
all Blowers are
Farters.
Personally, I'd
rather work with
a Blower than a
Farter. Farters
who never
explode tend to
be more scared
of anger --
theirs and
everyone else's
-- and so take
longer to learn
that, like most
feelings, anger
expressed is
much safer than
anger than
stored up.